What helps kiddos when they’re stressed? Things like hugs, tickling, joking, cuddling, soothing words can help different children at different times. But what helps all kids, and all grownups pretty much all the time?
Naming the feelings and needs behind the behaviours.
I’ve used it many times successfully with my sweet son who has Big Feelings indeed. Here’s an example:
It’s late Saturday morning. Z, age 7, is screeching at us that he doesn’t want to go to tennis class this afternoon. “I don’t want to go!” the poor guy yawps, over and over, like it’s an important new slogan.
I’m so confused by this sudden fear of tennis! Z. loves tennis, and loves his coach. I mercifully remember the Kids Grok cards and bring them to his room. I start by guessing, laying out several cards.
Me: Hi Sweetpea. Are you feeling:
Sad/Lonely/Angry/Worried?
He likes it when I ask. He puts away Lonely.
Me: Ok, Sad, Angry and Worried. Is that because you have a need for (I lay out a few from the second stack):
Harmony/Acceptance/Mastery?
Z (words flooding from mouth): Yes. Jay and Dom in tennis are funny and Caleb is super nice, but Apollo and Mike are so rude to me. They say I’m lazy and slow and, like, can’t I even hit the ball??? Coach doesn’t understand that they’re bothering me. Jay says I’m slow too, but he says it with a smile so it’s kind of funny. Mike and Apollo say it with mean voices.
Z’s eyes fill with tears. Panic turns to sadness, I reckon a more accurate expression of his feelings. He talks a while longer, giving me all the pent-up details.
We agree: I need to talk to Coach and help him understand why the kids’ comments were stressful for Z.
This process is really kind of magical. Z. has a space to express his feelings, and even if I’m way off, just that space puts his head back on straight. He corrects me until it’s accurate and then often a big story of worry or pain or frustration that he was holding in comes out.
By then Z. has bounced back with the force of a smashed tennis ball! He’s ready to go horse around at the park before class.
At the park there are two grownups who are fighting; screaming frantically at one another. I feel: nervous and compassionate. I think: This is what happens when kids don’t learn to express their feelings in a healthy way. They become grownups who don’t know to express their feelings in a healthy way.
Let’s help each other friends! Let’s help each other, and the kiddos around us, to find those safe spaces. Spaces in which we can express our thoughts, fears and anxieties.
Because feelings expressed=feelings understood.
And feelings understood=being able to get on with things!
Being able to move forward in the world and do all the good stuff.
Teachers, caregivers: How do you create safe spaces for the kids in your life? We would love to hear!
*The word Grok comes from an old school science fiction book. It means, “to understand one another.”
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